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Sunday, January 27th, 2008
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1:29 am - Doused in moonlight, I see your sun.
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It's like some dream, I wish I could wake up with you beside me, but I just can't seem to wake up. And I don't want to, knowing you're around the world. It's like I need you here, holding me tight. Why is it my long distance love is so far away. China, oh, china. How did this happen? I'm glad that it did.
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Bullet
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| Thursday, October 4th, 2007
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2:45 am - Pressure.
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You're slipping away, I miss you.
I'm torn, right now, again, I always do this, but there are times that it hurts more than usual. Times like now.
Once upon a time I was okay.
Once upon a time I'd complain.
Once upon a time I didn't know what I had.
Once upon a time my heart wasn't in two.
Once upon a time there was me and you.
And I feel like a creep, making up these things, writing them out.
I never thought I needed you, I never thought I'd cry over you.
I know you don't care, this isn't your fault, but with out you I feel so damn small.
You shine so bright, you doubt yourself so much, too much.
You have all the potential in the world, you can do anything.
They say anyone can do anything they want, but that just isn't true.
But you, you could do anything, everything, because you shine.
I remember the first time I got the pleasure of hearing your voice.
Oh, I think I had fallen in love with you again, and your laugh. Perfect.
Sometimes I couldn't understand you, such an accent, I loved it so much.
(now you know who you are. But I know you did already.)
Still do of course, though we haven't talked in ages.
Sometimes my heart aches more than usual, I've ached over people before.
My heart has been ripped up, blended, stepped on, chewed up and spit out.
But I have never been so affected before, no matter who I meet, no matter who I'm with.
My mind always reverts to you.
In that, I am still happy for you. I am so happy that you're happy, with who you're with.
I am so happy to know that you aren't sad, that there is someone to love you there.
I just want to sleep all day, all night, sleep away life.
I want to cry, and scream, and just walk through the rain.
I want to get so sick that I can't move without coughing.
I want to harvest all the pain in the world, as my own.
I want my heart to explode, over and over.
I don't feel I deserve happiness. Maybe I really don't.
I'm not self doubting, but right now I'm weak.
Tomorrow I'll regret this post, I will worry, and then you'll pull away even more.
Maybe not tomorrow, but if you read this, I can feel it, you pulling away.
I love the feeling of my heart stopping, I love how I can feel it just give up for a second.
But after a that split second, my heart kicks back in, and keeps on going for another day.
Like me, my heart is strong.
Oh Paramore, how you explain me.
Music is general.
How am I feeling today?
Breathe for love tomorrow, 'cause there's no hope for today.
Breathe for love tomorrow, 'cause maybe there's another way.
Maybe I'll be okay.
Like my heart, I must carry on.
<3
current mood:  Am I frowning again?
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01 Love ♥ Bullet
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| Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
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3:58 am - Tra la la. (KAJSDHFKJHKJ) Hi :D
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I feel good so far. Mind wise. Other wise, I feel, so, so.
I've been feeling rather artistic lately. Writing, drawing, singing, so on. Since Cowboy Bebop (MYFAVORITESHOWEVER) is back on every night, I've been staying up and recording it. I need the box set damn it. :D
I want English candy. Like really. (pssst NIKKI you should send me some. I'll send you something too! Come oooooon PLEASEE) Aha ^^;
So I have three songs so far:
Attention Seeker
(name with held for now) Damage
Raivyn's Faire
I need to learn them, sing them, and get out of the stupid shit stage fright thing I have.
xD
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Bullet
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| Tuesday, September 11th, 2007
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7:13 am - Lyrics of my life
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Two songs that I've realized explain my current situate, to a point.
Good Enough Lyrics
Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
Crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you
Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly
Now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel
Good enough
I feel good enough for you
Drink up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
And I've completely lost myself
And I don't mind
I can't say no to you
Shouldn't have let you
Conquer me completely
Now I can't let go of this dream
Can't believe that I feel
Good enough
I feel good enough
It's been such a long time coming,
But I feel good
And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
Pour real life down on me
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough
Am I good enough
For you to love me too?
So take care what you ask of me
'Cause I can't say no
-ANGEL-
"Weight Of The World"
Feels like the weight of the world,
Like God in heaven gave me a turn.
Don't cling to me, I swear I can't fix you.
Still in the dark, can you fix me?
Freefall, freefall, all through life.
If you love me, then let go of me.
I won't be held down by who I used to be.
She's nothing to me.
Feels like the weight of the world,
Like all my screaming has gone unheard.
And oh, I know you don't believe in me.
Safe in the dark, how can you see?
Freefall, freefall, all through life.
If you love me, then let go of me.
I won't be held down by who I used to be.
If you love me, then let go of me
I won't be held down by who I was
If you love me, then let go of me
I won't be held down by who I used to be
-Other-
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Bullet
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| Monday, September 10th, 2007
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10:09 am - Spoken for, doesn't mean forever.
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So more and more these days I feel outted and alone. Left as as some sort of prey for a large burden to eat up. Mostly I feel left for dead in the sands of time, I feel my life getting shorter each day. I feel more and more depressed with each ticking second I don't do something. The problem is, I keep doing nothing. Today, me and Miles are going to go look for a job, in about fifeteen minutes actually, hopefully we can acquire one. They don't seem to be handing them out. Heh, like fresh new unbroken hearts. I want one of those, like I want to smile, and have fun again. Like a child. I keep referencing to many things but I can't help it, It's how I feel right now.
I've offered my heart on many occasions to you, and you've turned it down. I've offered my life to you, you've walked away with out a care, only sometimes loving me. I know I am a pain, selfish, and cold-hearted. But when I talk to you, when I hear your voice, so different from what I usually hear, and sometimes I couldn't understand, but I cherish every moment I hear it. I'm setting myself aside again, wishing for your hand, and everone around me says the same, I've been engaged once, but I chose the wrong one, and I left you behind. I wish you were mine, But you're not, I wish I'd have said yes, but I didn't. It's true when they say, you never know what you have, until it's gone. Not to the valley of death, oh no. To another. This person is so lucky, to have a beauty and a love like you, I may never know again the feeling, but my love is forever true. You filled the void in my heart almost two years ago, you filled that void so well, that it was whole. Now the lot of me, and me only, my self, my brain, my loss, what happened to that year? I ask myself, what happened to all the time we've talked, the hours on end tappered off to minutes at a time, I cherish them. Sometimes I loss myself and you wonder why, I understand, you're young. I guess I'm nothing but a fool, because only fools fall in love.
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Bullet
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| Saturday, September 8th, 2007
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6:10 pm - Voice Post
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6:04 pm - Voice Post
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| Thursday, July 19th, 2007
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8:22 am - Billy Flinn.
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Third day in a row that I've watched Chicago. Love it.
Ups and downs, ups and downs. Ugh, life has been going up and down like a fucking yo yo lately. Mostly downs though. Me and Steven have just been eh. I mean it's great and all, but I'm sinking again. I just wish that I could get away, but that's all I've wanted is to get away. I've sat here and I've planned out some many things, life, death, and getting the fuck away from here. I'm not planning on taking anyone with me when I go, but there is one person I want, and need. Nikki. I need to get to her, and have fun, and live it up. She needs to get to me. I need to get away from the people that are causing me pain, annoyance, Ugh, people suck, life sucks, this town, it sucks.
Good night.
Dravin.
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09 Love ♥ Bullet
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| Sunday, July 8th, 2007
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4:27 pm - I finally got a chance to try again, but I failed. I guess I'm smarter than I think.
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I had a dream last night, that I was back in time, before Steven and I were together. (Sometimes I have a hard time saying that, I know why too. I'm trying to protect him, and I don't need to.) I sat on the sidelines loving him, but never saying anything about it. Too afraid he didn't feel the same. So I took a chance, I some how went back in time, and when I did, I went back to the first meeting of Steven, we were at a lake, everyone was camping and stuff (this didn't really happen, we met in French.) My mom had the old van from years ago, and I was trailing around it in the dark, and I came across him, I knew it was him, the boy I loved, and I took him into the van, my mom was going somewhere and I had to go, but before getting in, I kissed him hard, and he didn't know why, but went with it, got in, and thought I was after sex, which is the EXACT opposite of what I'm after. I realized this, and realized in going back to change the past, I'd failed, I got negative attention. When I all wanted was to show that I loved him, and doing so premature to knowing me, was a foolish thing to do, because we've formed our relationship through time.
I know for sure, if me a Steven don't work out, I am going to be an independent woman for the rest of my life, unless someone can prove me wrong.
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03 Love ♥ Bullet
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| Friday, June 29th, 2007
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3:30 pm - In need of a nap.
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Yes, I am going to go to Tela's for the weekened, I am finally out of this town.. well in a few hours, one or two. Nap time.
<3
current mood:  sleepy
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Bullet
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| Wednesday, June 27th, 2007
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8:59 am - Fade to black.
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The days are blending, and the colors are starting to bleed.
I need a good hang, like old times, but I can't get out to Tela. I need a good nap, but I slept eightteen hours yesterday. I need a good laugh, but all I am lately is in a bad mood. I need to get away, but there's not one kidnapper in the world to take me away. I need a walk, a talk and a hug. Chocolate, roses, smiles. I need a night that doesn't end in sexual tension, the bad kind. I need to leave. I need help. I need money, a job. I need my own place, I need to get away, I need to scream. I need a smile and a helping hand. I need a good song, a lullaby, lull me into my death, maybe I need a good die. To bring out of the mourning.
Fade to black.
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01 Love ♥ Bullet
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| Saturday, June 23rd, 2007
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7:09 pm - Voice Post
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| Monday, June 18th, 2007
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12:24 pm - Ahoy, good boy, jump, jump, bump bump.
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Sing, dance, run, prance.
Crying is weakness, when I cry I feel weak, I don't like weakness, it bothers me, it smothers me. Holding things in isn't strength, it is yet another weakness. I can't stand stupid, weak, or pathetic because I am not one of them. I have nothing more.
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Bullet
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| Friday, June 1st, 2007
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6:08 am - Oh, oh, oh, thunder, thunder.
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As I sat out on the football field for three hours or more with Holly, I saw clouds come and go, come and go. As I watched them I stated that it would be storming in a few hours, now our town is under a flash flood warning. I call them as I see them. I don't make up fake shit like the weather man on tv does.
I've finally been able to talk to someone about my feelings, Holly. She's the closest thing to a best friend I have now. Kind of like I am to Steven and he is to me. He could talk about anything, tell me anything and I wouldn't never judge him. I think he knows this, because though he is shy, he's also willing to share feelings about past disasters. We connect all the time, I can read his thoughts and he can read mine. With out even thinking we connect and say the same word at the same time, or we steal each other's thought constantely. if they're in my head they are in his as well.
When I'm in your arms I feel right, I feel comfortable, safe, together, whole. I feel like I can stand up and be strong, but I don't want to move. When your hand is in mine, our fingers laced, laced together in that fit. Tied like shoe strings, I just hope they stay that way with out the double knot. When our lips connect for a brief second or for a minute I smile, you know I smile. When I said mine and when you said mine. When we hug, cuddle, talk, I feel right. This is right. But I'm scared.
I've seen perfect beginnings end in complete disaster. I've seen the pain, I've felt the pain too many times. I am so afraid of being close and showing weakness, my feelings, my heart. I am so afraid to let love in. I am afraid to take the nice sweet kisses any deeper. I am distroyed in that sense, ever since I was young, four, five even younger I have been put in sexual situations, and now they are all ruined for me. I have such a fear of sex and anything close to it that I am afraid to get close. I don't want to be afraid. It's like the darkness, you never know what's coming when you can't see it coming.
Darkness, one thing I have always feared.
I don't want to fear this, I don't want to run from this. I do want to protect my heart. I do want to protect my mind. I do want what's best for me. I sit and think, is this what's best, sitting afraid, not taking a chance. I sit and think, should I just break out and jump in head first. I have a life ahead of me though. Getting attached here could be a foolish thing to do when I'm planning to move in December. But then again, will this even last until tomorrow?
Questions, questions, questions! But no mother fucking answers, I am left to sit here nerved out and scared because I can't force myself to stand up and go for it, but what? I am going for something that is worth it, yes, I think so. I believe so. Possibly. Will he call me today? Maybe not, doubt it. Should he? I don't know. Will I call him. Maybe. I just might. But it's raining, and I haven't slept, who is to say I will be awake today anyway? Will this push him away? I hope not, I really like him. He seems to like me too or he wouldn't have kissed me, right?
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Bullet
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| Tuesday, May 29th, 2007
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10:05 am - love
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"Nevermind." "What?"12:29 am A stolen kiss. "I feel better now." A hug and a minute later, a real kiss. Longer. Better. "Me too." Another hug. "I don't want to go."
It felt like a movie scene. But it was real. It was amazing. He kissed me.
current mood:  loved
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01 Love ♥ Bullet
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| Sunday, May 6th, 2007
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12:57 am - A random story I am kind of making up for Miss Violence on Myspace.
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Okay, so once apon a time there was this pretty little girl, she was lost in a forest full of candy and dreams. Only the candy was glass and the dreams were nightmares, she didn't know what to do, so she ate the glass and closed her eyes, and when she woke up again... (so I started the story... do you want to add more, or do you want me to finished it?)
A continuence.. spelling on that word... hmm I do not know.
...there was this very handsome prince standing over her, his beautiful horse behind his standing strong. As he bent down to her side his handsome looks turned hellish, he was demon and he was going to take her insides, out. Her normal clothes, tight jeans and a cool band shirt turned to a long darker than blood, red victorian dress. What was he doing to her? Will she live? Will she ever really wake up? I shall tell you.. next time.. (after I shower... :} ha, -Nicole)
He had her pinned down, all hope seemed to me lost. But she never gave up hope, she kicked the demon hard and ran. Once hidden she tore the skirt into a mini, and lost the sleeves, she was going to fight.
He found her fast, but she was faster, she jumped and kicked him hard, the horrid crack of his jaw proved it broken. Dislocated. He screamed out. and attacked.
He rolled to the side, shaking violently. She fell. And when she hit the ground she woke to the soft thump of her body hitting her bedroom, was it all a dream? It seemed so real.. and why was she still wearing the torn dress?
Might it be my typos? ha I make alot. and more... I have a sunburn to.. icky. :]
What was that? A noise? Movement? She hurried to her bed and got under the covers, wasn't this real. Couldn't be, but another dream? No way. She pulled the blanket up to her eyes, it was getting closer.. what ever it was. It jumped up, she screamed, it purred. Her cat. Boots. She cuddled Boots close and looked around, and...
=O what happened next?
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Bullet
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| Sunday, April 29th, 2007
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2:48 am - Amy Winehouse sings you a lullaby, sleep little prick, oh sleep another restful night in her arms.
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I need a scene change, Harrisonville is dragging me down, it's Sunday, and I need to sleep.
My connection to the world outside of Harrisonville is gone with the winds of a lost friendship. Money has proven so much. I can't even take it, the feeling of spending it anymore, I spent about thirteen dollars the other day, and nearly died, because what I spent it on was not what I am have saved about $130 for. I've gotten about six of it back, I don't know though, I need to count it.
Which I am doing right now.
$137.06
Not bad, I guess. I need a job.
This past school year I have made and lost friends. Friends should never be called 'best', and seven years of knowing every little thing doesn't soften the blow. Even if my heart has grown cold toward you, I still miss you, but I've been through this so many times, and with so many years with you, I guess I just don't care, I mean you don't. Obviously, or you'd call. Nikki says to call you, but I can't no phone to reach your number. She says to go over to your house, but, ha, you live 16 miles out of town, I'm not walking that far for a fight and an awkward silence, you know my mom won't give me the car. You won't invite me to hang out when you are in town, it's your boyfriend and that new best friend of yours, and Stevo. Yeah, Stevo is my best friend, and I am his. We have the "emo five" and everything, so you lose. But I don't want to be around all of that DISGUSTING fucking pda anyway, and I've asked you to please do it when I am not looking because it makes me uncomfortable, you said, "We do it in school, everyone else doesn't mind."
NEWFLASH!
I am not every-fucking-one else, I am NICOLE. Want me to spell it out? N-I-C-O-L-E. ONE person, I am myself, I think for my own. I know what make me want to vomit and it's you and that 15-6 year old CHILD you are dating. You are an 18 year old SENIOR, he is a FRESHMAN. I don't care if he "loves" you, that's only a word. He wants to fuck you, make out with you, and touch those HUGE FUCKING BOOBS you seem so proud of. Get you away from me obviously, AND Yes, you have been a bad friend. Yes, that day you cried and said it, you were RIGHT. But who fucking you cares, because you ain't no friend of mine.
Drav.
current mood: sleepy
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Bullet
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| Monday, April 23rd, 2007
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1:00 am - Friend discrimination? ECuts Bashing?
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Why hate someone for who they know? Who they're dating, who they may be dating. Give me one good reason to, and I'll stop now. Nothing?
Okay. So let's start now, Eliza Cuts, people hate her for who she knows, not who she is. Lame much? It's like being a gay basher or someone who is racist. It's fucking pointless. Yes, if you hate her you are just as fucking bad as someone who is racist, or a gay hater. You do not know her. She keeps her personal life just that, personal. She shut down online accounts because of the bashing she got all the time. Think about it for a second, if you hate her because she 'stole your man' Honey GET a fucking life, it's her man, whoever he is.
Did she ignore you? Too bad, she doesn't know you. She said she doesn't talk to people she doesn't know. She's protecting herself. Back the fuck off for a second a realize this. Yes, she's a part of the World's Most Hated, you hate her because of that title? Or just because she knows your favorite band, and you don't, boo hoo, get a life, get friends, get exercise and get offline long enough to realize you could too could have a life outside of lurking the internet. Maybe you could even go to your favorite band's show. And if you're lucky even get an autograph to obsess over.
Because you clearly need something else to obsess over, make fun of their writing, not someone's weight. For one, Eliza is not a large girl, and calling her fat is like saying Nicole Richie needs lipo. Saying she's crazy, or a stalker. Maybe she's a little out there, but not in a bad way, and stalker, the people in the pictures with her, laughing and smiling with her, those are her friends genius.
So open your eyes, and try to consider for one minute these few things, she's just like you, she just know people you don't, said people, may be famous, and the light may shine to her from the World's Most Hated, but she doesn't thrust herself into the light, she doesn't need the negitive attention, she's had enough negitive experiences, and you fuckers just like to make it worse because you're unhappy. Go outside and play some sports, do something for charity, make some friends, get a hobby, just stop with the bashing, it's getting old for everyone.
Drav.
current mood:  disappointed
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01 Love ♥ Bullet
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| Saturday, April 14th, 2007
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6:59 am - Your selfish cry out from the gutter.
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In the end all we have is eachother.
Get a fucking clue, in the end, all you have, is yourself.
I'm not stupid, I don't give a fuck about anyone anymore, friends? All friends are disposible, it all relies on if you want to be disposed. You were the person who stuck by me through thick and thin. Only to end a seven year streak with a kiss on his lips. Ha, a kiss, no a full on makeout session lasting the whole day. That's from 11:30am until 7:00pm, now I have question: Do you want to be disposed? Yes I am fucking still going on about thisn still mad, put a fucking dick in your mouth and shut up, whore. You'd choose a stupid, sex crazed boy over me? I'd drop everything for you, who's the loyal friend here? Remember when 'best' was removed from your title? 'Friend' was next. 'Best' is still gone, can you fucking prove me wrong and earn it back, or should I turn on the incinerator? For the first time in a good month in a half you called me, a huge surprise. I didn't call you first. You now have a cellphone, text messaging, and everything, and NO FUCKING REASON NOT TO CONTACT ME. Now here's the next question, are you worth it or am I wasting my time? Because seven years is a long fucking time, and to throw that away would be incredibly fucking stupid. But to hold onto nothing at all world be even worse.
To add gas to the fire raging inside, she may be your fucking wife, but I know you don't look at her like you looked at me that night, for more than ten minutes straight when you could have looked at any of the other over three hundred people in the room, you watched me, you looked me in the fucking eyes twice, from ten feet away and again, amazingly at fucking one hundred fifty feet away. We connected twice. But it doesn't matter, it's amazing I got to see you once, it'll never happen close up. It may never happen again. Not that you even matter. I don't know you like she does, and you don't know me like my girlfriend does, and no one knows us do that, not like our best friends know us, your brother, and my sister, you other half, and my other half, are you losing him like I'm losing her, are you slipping away like I am. Do you fucking need to see me again, like I need to see you? Or do you even remember me? You woudn't would you? Of course not, I'm just one of the millions of faces you've seen, but how many have you given that look? Fuck, everytime I've seen you, you never looked at the people infront of you, you are always looking down, or to the side, but you look infront of you, you saw me. But maybe I am over-analizing it, I always went for your brother, but maybe I went the wrong way. Maybe you were the Yin to my Yang, maybe he was just the connecter. Because I don't exist in his eyes, he didn't see me, he's never see what I let you see that night. Vulnerablity. Fuck I must be over-analizing this, I must be in-fucking-sane. But god. I just can't get that look, that fucking ten minute long stare out of my head. Why'd you choose me to give that look, that I need someone fucking look? I don't look that much like her, do I? Long black hair, dark shadowed eyes, black hoodie, the only difference is she's smaller, hotter, shorter hair.You keep that girl, boy. She's the hottest thing I've ever seen. But if you ever fucking come across me, if you ever fucking give me the look that fucking cast a shadow over your fucking brother, that made him nothing but another person, that made me think about you all the fucking time, the quiet one, the hidden one, the most beautiful man I have ever fucking seen, be read for that look back, for that need, be ready to hold the world on you shoulders, be ready to help me, be fucking ready to feel my pain, and I will do the same, that look did this to me. It's be over a month, to be exact a month and twelve days. How long will my mind linger over you? Until the end of time, will that look be stuck in the back of my mind?
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Bullet
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| Thursday, April 12th, 2007
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3:34 pm - Good, bad, mud.
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Rain, rain, go away, come back another day.
Metaphor.
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Bullet
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dravinx's journal
